by Nicholas Duck
If you were asked to picture an athlete at the top of their game, competing in an international competition, what would come to mind?
For some, it would be an image of a competitive beast, stoic and single-minded in their goal. For others, it would be a person brimming with confidence, seemingly untouchable in their self-belief. No matter what, the dominant view, it seems, is that most sportspeople are these infallible beings, paragons of the human condition that don't have the same struggles most people do.
This is the perspective that Damien Smith wants to change.

Damien, a Warragul local since the age of 14, has in recent years made a name for himself as a competitor in the Ironman Triathlon series, one of the world's most difficult endurance sports. The events consist of three legs: a 3.9km swim, a 180.2km bicycle ride before finishing with a full 42.2km marathon, totalling a brutal 226.3km of continuous racing.
After playing football when he was younger, Damien's brother Daniel was the one who initially took up the ironman competitions, before Damien decided to follow in his footsteps. From there, he was hooked.
Earlier this year, Damien's success in the sport meant he was afforded the opportunity to compete at the Ironman World Championship in Kona, Hawaii, where he finished 155th out of 2413 entrants. In his category of males aged 35 to 39, he finished 58th.
But while that incredible achievement earned him plenty of plaudits and congratulations, it's the events occurring behind the scenes that he wants people to better understand.
For as long as he remembers, Damien has struggled with his mental health. An eating disorder has influenced his life, leading him to struggle with compulsive binge eating, and as a result, serious bouts of anxiety and depression.
"It's something I've always struggled with. It's affected my life as long as I can remember in all aspects of it, whether it's been football or running and triathlons. It's just something I've never really been able to get on top of and manage that well.
It's meant that while Damien has experienced some incredible highs like competing at Kona, the lows have been low. At times he goes completely off the grid in an effort to, in his own words, "hide and hibernate" for weeks at a time.

"I think people have this perception of me that I'm just this fit guy that trains all year round and is always competing. It's not like that, it can be really bloody hard sometimes to just get out of bed. There might just be months of the year where I do absolutely nothing.
"I shut down completely, that's the side people don't see."

It's made maintaining a consistent training schedule difficult, as weeks of hard work can sometimes be undone by a bad day spiralling into a bad week, and then a bad month. It's happened so often that Damien says before this year he had "never gotten to a starting line healthy."
His mental health became such a barrier at one point that he gave up triathlons for eight years, only returning to the sport he loves for a race in Port Macquarie in May. It was his strong result there that allowed him to qualify for Kona, the biggest race of his life.

In person, Damien comes across quite well. Tall and wiry, he has the look of someone with the capacity to compete in such a gruelling sport. He's quite softly-spoken, which is something that makes sense when he talks about his slight aversion to opening up socially.
"I've never really been one to put myself out there, I'm normally pretty quiet and keep to myself.
"I think that's why I enjoy doing the endurance stuff, whether it's running or cycling or whatever, it's just me."
And one would have to enjoy what they're doing to make it through an ironman. Even just for training, Damien says on average he dedicates 20 to 25 hours a week to getting his body right. It's a lot of dedication.
"The swim, bike and run, sometimes that can be the easier part for me, because it's more about keeping the mind right and trying to be ok and stay healthy. I know how my body works but if I go off track like I have in the past thousands of times that's when I lose control and I don't train at all.
"I've always had that ability to do well, it's just a matter of staying on track.
"I don't really have days off when I'm training, even if it's just an easy half hour run or a really short swim, as long as I do something just to keep that on track. Because I find if I have a day off it might snowball into two and three and four so I'm better off doing something, even if it's just small."

Cut to October, and suddenly Damien found himself on the shores of picturesque Kona, competing alongside some of the best endurance athletes in the world. Getting the opportunity to compete at the world championship has "always been a dream."
"To actually be there was pretty surreal. You sort of see it on TV and think that's cool but to actually be there, it just had a real energy and power."
Just finishing an ironman competition is difficult. To do it in the 30-plus degree heat that Kona offers is nothing short of extraordinary, and in the end Damien was happy with how his race ended up. His final time was nine hours, 28 minutes and 17 seconds.
"I was pretty happy with that (time) in those conditions. I don't know if I ever believed that I would actually do it."
Damien gives a lot of credit to his many sponsors too. Without them, he says, he never would have made the journey to Hawaii and his dream would have remained just that.
But again, there's another side to Damien's success. The constant wrestle with his mind meant even the day before the race he was finding it a challenge to stay on track.
"I've done it before, the day before a big race I'll just go out and start binge eating and next minute I'm sick and can't do anything."
He made it to the starting line feeling good though, mostly thanks to the support of his friends around him, something that he feels "very lucky and grateful for."
This support is something, however, that he has had to go through much of his life without. Up until two years ago, Damien was trying desperately to keep his inner turmoil a secret, not wanting the potential judgment that may follow.
"I guess I felt like I hit rock bottom. I've felt bad in the past but I think I just got caught out. I was just in a really bad place and I thought if I don't reach out...that's how bad I felt.
"I was almost kind of forced, but yeah I just had to. I just had to talk to somebody."
And while his emotional wellbeing remains something he has to deal with day by day, since opening up to those around him things have taken a turn for the better.
"I still crash and get to the other dark places as well, but it's definitely helped since I've spoken to people.
"I think at least if they sort of know, then if I'm going through those bad patches then they can sort of understand what I might need or why I'm not the way I normally am. It's definitely helped."
The stigma around men and opening up about their mental health, particularly with an issue as serious as eating disorders, is something Damien believes needs changing.
"How many males do you know that have an eating disorder?" he asks. It's a stark question.

Putting yourself out there is difficult in any context. To do it publicly is another thing entirely. So why now?
"I don't know what it is, like maybe I'm just sort of at the point where I'd like to be able to, if it inspires people or helps people then there's a path I can go down, maybe that's something I want to look at.
"It's something I never planned to do, I never thought I would but I guess I feel like it's just important. I know I'm not the only one that struggles, it's just important if we can help each other.
"Maybe there's people that we do know (who struggle) and they just don't talk about it."
Now employed as a social worker locally and with mates that are ready to help should things take a turn, life is generally better for Damien. He even has a slew of upcoming ironman competitions that he intends to hit as hard as he can.
But he says he's still got a way to go before he finds the complete answer he's looking for.
"I don't think anybody will ever fully understand what me or anybody else is going through unless you're actually dealing with it, but I think at least they can have a bit of awareness and a little bit of understanding so I think just being able to talk to people helps.
"It doesn't have to be everybody but I think that's been the biggest thing for me, is just being able to have people that sort of know at least that you're struggling or that you're going through some stuff.
"That would be my biggest recommendation I guess, just to talk to somebody," he says.
If this article raises concern support is available at Lifeline 13 11 14 or Beyond Blue 1300 224636.